Sunday, October 5, 2008

Brimley Endorses John McCain

and you can take that to the bank

Wilford Brimley here. I want to tell you that I endorse John McCain. I've known John for a few years now. We first met when I was vacationing in Hanoi back in '71. John is an honorable man. Also, I know for a fact that his blood sugar checks out because I have given him Snickers on many occasions.

I've been to the East many times, doing work for Liberty Medical. It is never easy for me to kill a man. However, I have no such feelings for savages and that part of the world is full of them. The people there are queer in the sense that there is not much sugar in their diets. Lots of rice and fish, but surely lacking in sugar.

I learned that the first time I traveled there. With no sugar to be found I quickly succumbed to a low sugar fugue. An entire village paid the price for it. I awoke to a puma licking about my face. It was rustling through my moustache like nobodies business but my own, cleaning out the critters and what not. Now, I am not fully sure if that puma and me had relations, but if you ever come across a bushy lipped wildcat you can be reasonably sure I'm it's pappy.

I learned my lesson from the experience and that is why I keep my saddlebags full of Snickers. They do the trick when I feel one of them low sugar fugues coming on. As a result I could appreciate the peacefulness of the country without fear of another episode.

I chose to vacation there because nothing soothes my diabeetus better than murdering low sugar savages. It also calms my moustache and whatever achieves that, my friends, is the right thing to do.

At any rate, I was filling a burlap sack with savages, so I could dispose of them on my own terms later, when I come across the camp known as the Hanoi Hilton. I met John, and Bud Day, and all the other good American men who were doing their time. When I think of the torments they were suffering it sets my moustache to bristling. I did not interfere, however, because it was their cross to carry and fate is not a thing to tamper with. The best I could do was slip Snickers through the fence for them and I was happy to do it.

The guards at the camp didn't give me any guff. They have a name for me in that part of the world. My mouth can't form the savage word but it is my understanding that it translates to something like "Formidable Round Eyed Bear Who Does Unspeakable Things To Wildcats After Murdering Entire Village And Also Has Diabeetus". At any rate, the guards let me come and go as I pleased.

I've said my piece. The long and short of it is that I'm backing John McCain because he is an honorable man. He has put his country first in the past, and it is my belief that he will do so in the future. Also, before I go I want to remind you to check your blood sugar. Otherwise, I will find you and I will kill you, and you can take that to the bank.

Warmest Regards,
Wilford Brimley

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