Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Check Your Blood Sugar

or I will murder you where you sleep

Wilford Brimley here. You might have heard that the senior Tallyban Leader died this week. You might even have heard that he died of the diabeetus. Well, I'm here to give my account of it and you can be damn sure it is the true account.

I was riding my horse in Kansas, going from town to town, checking folks blood sugar when I got word from Liberty Medical that I was needed in Pakistan. They told me this Tallyban fella had the diabeetus something fierce and needed to be put down. It is never easy for me to kill a man but dammit he should have checked his blood sugar when he had the chance. I wasn't gonna feel bad about sending him the Hell. Not one iota.

The folks at Liberty Medical offered to parachute me in there but I told them Wilford Brimley don't parachute nowheres. I tunneled my way from Wichita to the Afghan / Pakistan border. When I come out of the ground I looked like some deranged, bushy badger.

They know me well in those parts. I've been there many times spreading my message and my seed. Those hills remind me of my days hunting renegade Apache in the Sierra Nevada's. In fact, the Afghans know me by my Apache name, Bear with Diabeetus.

I crept over to Pakistan in the dead of night. It didn't take long for me to catch his stink on the wind and follow it to his cave. I could smell the diabeetus coursing through his veins as if my moustache was saturated with it.

"Bear with Diabeetus, I've been expecting you! Lulululululu." He come at me with his Tallyban war cry. I jerked the AK-47 from his feeble hands and slapped him with my moustache. I could have strangled him right then and there but never let it be said that Wilford Brimley isn't a fair man. I gave him one of my revolvers.

"Now we're gonna have a duel. When my moustache twitches, that means go." I got the drop on him and finished him off by strangling him with my bare hands. End of story.

Before I leave you here, I just want to make sure you understand the lesson to be had from this story. It is very simple. Check your blood sugar and check it often, or I will creep into your house and murder you with my bare hands.

Warmest regards,
Wilford Brimley

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